Mothers And Fathers Unite

Has this ever happened to you? Little Johnny comes to you and asks for candy before dinner, dinner being about a half hour away. You say no, because it might spoil his appetite. Cleverly, Johnny goes to daddy and asks the same thing. Daddy says yes. Johnny comes back in the kitchen with telltale signs of having had candy. What Johnny did was to report to daddy that you were being mean to him, for not letting him have candy, daddy, not wanting to be the bad guy, gives in. What Johnny has just done was to "play one parent against another." Happens everyday!

Could this scenario be one you've experienced? Teenager Tonya asks to go to the movies on a school night. She first approach you, daddy, you say absolutely not. She then goes to mother, who gives in, and says, in the presence of Tonya, she sees nothing wrong with it, after all she used to do it. What happens? Tonya gets to go to the movies, knowing that she has to get up early the next morning for school. She too has "played one parent against another." Again, happens everyday.

What about Little Bad Bobby, (whom we met in another hub, the Jealousy is rottenness to the bones, series, go over and take a look). Well anyway, Bobby wants everything he sees, especially when on a shopping outing, whether he can use it or not. For instance family shopping in a Sporting Goods store for fishing equipment for a fishing outing. Dad buys a rod and reel, Bobby decides he wants one too, (Bobby doesn't like fishing). Father offers to buy Bobby a starter rod and reel. "No, no, no," Bobby says in a loud voice. "I want one like yours." Dad tries to hold his ground, with mother siding with Bobby saying, "why can't he have that one?" Both had agreed that this time they wouldn't give in, but alas with a little more prodding from mother, Bobby get the expensive rod and reel.

With all these scenarios the predicted happens. Johnny is not hungry and doesn't eat a well balanced meal. Tonya, has a hard time getting up the next morning and does very poorly in school that day. Bobby gets the fishing equipment, and as predicted he never uses it. In these families this is common, because all three children have learned, through experience, what it takes to get around each parent.

Today we seem to have more two parent families than in the more recent past. Fathers are again stepping up and accepting their responsibilities. This statement is not based on fact, just my observations. I personally know more two parent families than I did in the 70's and 80's. I might be wrong, but I don't think so. However, whatever the situation may be in this regard, there's problems even in these situations. What did I just say with all of this gobbledygook? I'm just simply saying that even in two parent homes there needs to be vigilance.

As we can see being a two parent family doesn't solve all the problems of raising children. Children learn early on in life what their boundaries are. They learn how, and if they can, "play one parent against the other." Two parent families are the desired situation in which to raise children, however sometimes the disciplinarian feels as if they are in it all alone. Because what they say is often supplanted by the more lenient parent.

So, parents, if you want to raise happy well adjusted children, one of the things you need to do is both be on the "same page." Actually you need to present a united front as far as the disciplining, of your young ones, is concerned. The answer, "Yes," coming from one should be understood that "yes" comes from both, conversely when a course is forbidden by one, it is forbidden by both.

Every household should have established rules, rules that are applied to all in the household. If it's bad for Judy, it should be bad for Johnny. Of course, because the physical makeup of both genders are quite different, all rules would not completely apply to girls the same as boys. For instance going out at night alone would be different for boys than for girls. Although, now, going out alone in some cases is dangerous for both, but ordinarily this would not be the case.

Rules, however, should not be so rigid that there is no movement within them, conversely they should not be so lax that no one knows the boundaries. If these rules are established early in life it should not be hard for young one to adhere to them. There is a scripture in the bible that says, "let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no." So, when the answer is no, it should be understood that the answer is no, unless of course there are extenuating circumstances. Then maybe after some dialogue, the particular rule can be bent, not broken, with explanation. This should be agreed upon by both parents, and be presented with a united front.

Speaking about rules, there's a saying that goes something like this, "children learn what they live." So if your children constantly see you breaking rules with no apparent consequences, then what's to prevent them from doing the same, and challenging you when you try to set rules for them. (I'm just saying). Take this rule for instances, there is no cheating on school work, all work must be done by the child, of course with assistance from you, at times. What do you think, when tax time comes you add another sibling that they didn't know they had, (and they really don't), but you, of course, "needed" this exemption. And look at that, you didn't get caught, you laughed all the way to the bank. You stuck it to ole Uncle Sam. Don't be surprised if you become "ole Uncle Sam," in their eyes, know what I'm saying.

So in conclusion, I reiterate, MOTHERS AND FATHERS UNITE, for your children's sake. There is a saying especially, in the African American community, "If you don't discipline your children the police will." And believe me their discipline is much harsher than anything a loving parent can do. I've actually seen situations, where parents weren't united in their approach to discipline, go very badly.

For instance, I used to have my hair done in the same beauty salon with this one lady, and she would account in detail the escapades of her son, all of the bad things he did. She would describe them with frivolity. Of course, they seemed very bad to those of us listening. She told us about this one time when the young man slapped the teacher, because, as she said the teacher put his hand in the boy's face, she even admitted that the situation was the boy's fault. She gave in detail some of the arguments that she and her husband had concerning raising him, the dad losing out most of the time. To make a long story short, I saw her a few years after we had stopped using that salon, and I asked her about her son, and now this is bad. She said that he had been killed by the police, still, she said that it wasn't his fault, and to be fair, it could not have been, but the fact of the matter is he died the way he lived. Now, this is a very extreme example, real, but extreme nevertheless. I'm not saying that the lack of discipline will always lead to an outcome like this, but why to take a chance.

To be honest, you will be more appreciated by your children if they have limits at home, because when they get in the real world there are limits and if they don't appreciate this the consequences will be harsher than what you could have done to them. I once read a comment from a young woman who was in prison, and she said she would not have been in that predicament had her father said no to her, once in a while, when she was young. She said, she had no limits, anything she wanted to do was alright with her father. There is a scripture in the bible that says something to this effect, "if you pamper your child from his youth up, when he grows up he will become a thankless one." Remember when your parents said disciplining you would hurt them more than it hurt you, guess what, it's true, but they suffered the pain for the moment to prevent you suffering future long lasting pain.

With all three young people spoken of in the beginning, what do you think the outcome could be if all are allowed to continue on in this vain? Of course, no one can really say, the vast majority of problems that's experienced today by so many adults, began with situations like the ones above. Still I say, suffer the pain today, so your child won't have to suffer the pain of not obeying the rules of the real world later.